An insecure Indian

A hand guide for the ‘reely’ dumb villain

2011-12-29T01:59:00.000-08:00

Hello my dear evil-grinning, filthy-looking, muscle-packed villain, before you point out that gun at me, I would like to say a few things to you. First of all, let me make a statement that has been ‘reely’ proved by people of all walks- you are such a really stupid person.

Hei, hei…don't shoot… allow me to make a few more dialogues…

Hollywood, Bollywood, Kollywood, Mollywood- in whateverwood, you are the same. You know, you always get busted at the end, and ingloriously kick the bucket while the hero is having the last laugh with his girl.

Don’t you want to make a full stop to these run-of-the-mill failures?

So, before you shoot me down (that probably you wont able to do if you go on with the same habits), let me give you a few valuable advices.

The first rule is – If you want to shoot down the hero, never pause to deliver power-packed dialogues to educate him about your evil plans, your method of action, and what you are going to do in the future. Believe me buddy, if you are going to do that, you are digging your own grave!

Okey, you don’t want to pay heed to my first advice and you want to make a few dialogues? Hmm, very villainous of you! Anyway, as a villain-loving hero dedicated to educate all onscreen villains, I am here again with my second tip. When you make the dialogue delivery, have an eye on the cameraman! You know, cameraman, like all the crew members, wants you to fail miserably. Be careful for the subtle camera movements! If the camera strays to any object near the hero for more than 5 seconds, take it as a cue. The hero may take the object and defeat you!

Watch your back, man! The dumb girlfriend of the hero may score an unexpected goal by one blow at the end. There are several incidents where your kind of men is defeated by good-looking, feeble-minded, dumb girls.

Beware of the hero’s sidekicks too. These one-way-thinking guys are ready to sacrifice their lives to protect the hero. Close this loophole by finishing him off first.

A villain should be like a skillful proofreader. Check and recheck! Let not your senses deceive you! Even if you believe that the hero is dead, verify it! Make sure that he is ‘reely really’ dead. As I have already said, the director is keen to save the hero. So, he may do things which defy the principles of modern medical science to save the hero.

And, get a shave man! You need a bath! And you need not be such a mean-looking fellow. Put a synthetic smile on your face. It will make such a big difference. Even when you are doing evil things, be soft-spoken, smiling and wise-cracking. Add a whiff of sentiments to it. You can take a photograph of an Angelina Jolie-like woman and a kid with running nose, and say occasionally- they are my jewels!

Well, let me sum up my advices. I hope that you will seriously consider these tips and make the necessary changes. Now, you can shoot me dow….

Oh, watch your back man!!!

Here comes my sidekick behind you.( Arnold Schwarzenegger who did some cameo roles in a few not-so-known films like ‘Terminator’)

Oh, that was not my fault man. Buddy, you really had it coming!

At this sad moment, while I stand beside your bloodied body, I can only pray for the dawn of a new genre where the villains never fail.

The significance of Santosh Pandit: a systematic analysis of stupidly

2011-10-22T02:22:00.000-07:00

Hello filmmakers, are you just leaning back on your cozy cushion, Watching Santosh Pandit, and commenting- what stupidity is this? Well, behold, he is a satiric mirror held against your own bad films and the hapless people who were trapped in the theatre. It is not Santosh Pandit, but you- you need a cosmetic surgery. Malayalam cinema badly needs a cosmetic surgery.

Well, Santosh Pandit’s film is an accidental mockery of the Malayalam film. Many of the films are made out of a formulaic recipe, and they make the aesthetic belly of the moviegoers sick. Sometimes, a few good efforts like Traffic or Salt N’ Pepper happen. But…

Now the history of Malayalam Cinema can be divided into two periods. BS (Before Santosh Pandit) and AS (After Santosh Pandit). This satiric celebration of stupidity perhaps comes from a collective sense of frustration of the movie goers. We have seen many ‘mainstream movies’ that were atrociously stupid, and we have often sat helplessly in theatre thinking about our loss-Time, money, popcorns and pepsi…all went down the drain. This bizarre phenomenon is a warning for those film makers who are churning out stupidity clad in sizzling shots.

As our hero says, ‘’Nee valiyavanayirikkam, pakshe athinartham njan cheriyavananu ennalla. ‘’

The Monochrome Madonna: a monotonous disappointment

2011-03-10T21:05:00.001-08:00

India is not a fertile soil for detectives like Sherlock Homes or Miss Marple. Pot-bellied cops with harsh moustache often investigate cases here, and might does more good than observation in proving them. So, it is a bit hard to imagine an Indian version of Mr. Sherlock Homes or Miss Marple usually. But, for fictional purpose and for the sake of aesthetic enjoyment, let us accept Lalli, the Indian copy of Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple. She is ‘brilliant, sharp-witted, and her skills often helps Mumbai Police to solve murder mysteries. This ex-cop often appears in Kalpana Swaminathan’s novels. I stumbled upon the latest in the Lalli series- The Monochrome Madonna, and it turned out to be desperation.

The story in a few sentences- Sita, the narrator, one day receives a call form her friend Sitara with a panic-stricken voice. When sita arrives at her flat, she literally stumbles upon a corpse of a murdered man there. There is an altered Monochrome Madonna painting in the house. After some time amid the monotonous story, Lalli appears and proves the case, leaving the readers wondering where in the world this kind of story take place.

This is strange to Mumbai. The narrative often defies basic logic behind human affairs and behavior. Besides, in an attempt to make a noble connection with a classic art seems forced in a way that it might make Dan Brown frown.

No doubt, Kalpana Swaminathan is prolific in her writing and she often coins astonishingly impressive phrases. But, the story and the incidents in Monochrome Madonna is, well, monotonously bleak.

സര്‍ഗാത്മകതയും ആണത്തവും

2009-01-21T09:01:00.000-08:00

( പെണ്ണുങ്ങളോട് - സോറി)

മംഗലശ്ശേരി നീലകണ്ടന്‍ ,

thevalliparambil joseph alex,

സേതുമാധവന്‍

ആണത്തം മീശ പിരിച്ചുകൊണ്ട്, മുണ്ടുമടക്കി കുത്തി ആരാടാ എന്ന് ചോദിച്ചു കൊണ്ടു സമൂഹത്തിലും സ്ക്രീനിലും വിരിഞ്ഞങ്ങു നില്‍ക്കുമ്പോള്‍ ഭവ്യതയോടെ ഒരു ചോദ്യം ചോദിക്കട്ടെ. വാക്കുകള്‍ തുന്നുന്ന എഴുത്തുകാരെ നോക്കു. അമൂര്‍ത്ത്തയ്ക്ക്‌ രൂപം ചമയ്ക്കുന്ന ചിത്രകാരന്മാരെ നോക്കു‌, അവര്‍ തോക്കെടുക്കുന്നില്ല, ഭീഷണിയുടെ ഭാഷ്യങ്ങള്‍ ചമയ്ക്കുന്നില്ല, അന്യന്‍റെ കോളറിനു കുത്തിപിടിക്കുന്നില്ല. are they feeble?

ചുമ്മാ ഒരു പരുഷമായ ചോദ്യം എറിഞ്ഞു എന്ന് മാത്രം. ആണത്തം എന്ന ആശയത്തെ സാമൂഹികമായി ഒന്നു നോക്കിയെന്നു മാത്രം. അല്ലെങ്കില്‍ എന്ത് കൊണ്ടു കേരളീയ പുരുഷന്‍റെ പ്രതീകമായി മമ്മൂടി , മോഹന്‍ ലാല്‍ എന്നിവര്‍ക്കൊപ്പം എം ടി , ഒ വി വിജയന്‍ എന്നിവര്‍ വെറുതെയെങ്കിലും കടന്നു വരാത്തത്? കുറഞ്ഞ പക്ഷം ബാറ്റന്‍ ബോസ് , ജോസി vagamatam എന്നിവരെന്കിലും? വരുന്നില്ലല്ലോ അവരൊന്നും ഈ പട്ടികയില്‍ ?

അല്ല , ചുമ്മാ ഒരു ചോദ്യം മാത്രം. സര്‍ഗാത്മകത, സ്നേഹം, കാരുണ്യം, നിരാശ പോലുള്ള മൃദുല വികാരങ്ങളുടെ cocktail ഇന്നത്തെ മാര്‍ക്കറ്റില്‍ വിലയില്ലാത്തത് കൊണ്ടോ?

ഇങ്ങനെയും പറയാം. pen is mightier than sword, only if it is sharper and only if the sword's end is blunt.

ഇതു വെറും സംശയങ്ങള്‍ മാത്രമാണ്. ആണത്തം ചിന്നം വിളിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ അത്ആനയോ കുഴിയനയോ എന്ന സംശയം മാത്രം. ഒറ്റയാന്‍ നിശബ്ദമായി എഴുതുകയോ ചിത്രം വരയ്ക്കുകയോ ആവാം. ചിന്നം വിളിക്കാതെ അവന്‍ പതുങ്ങിയിരിക്കുകയാവം. അവനായിരിക്കാം കൂടുതല്‍ അപകടകാരി. കൊമ്പ് കോര്‍ത്ത്‌ ചവിട്ടി കൂട്ടുന്ന ഗജപോക്കിരി.

Can recession wipe away this smile?

2008-12-23T04:32:00.000-08:00

Fear, live.

2008-12-12T01:24:00.000-08:00

Thanks media. We were sitting glued to our TV sets, mouth agape in horror, watching the terror strike on Mumbai, live. You covered our anxiety well; you gave some audacious shots and your strategic speculation on how the operation was going on. Please make introspection. You are not the news. You are not the news makers. You are not the masters of the shots that set our TV sets afire. Don’t pretend otherwise.

An insecure Indian

2008-12-09T05:10:00.000-08:00

When the political parties seem to be silently spineless to the ‘barbarous, dastardly, cowardly’ acts of terror strikes (courtesy to adjectives: Shivraj Patil, …., ……,…….. ), like every Indian, now I too feel insecure. A feeling coldly creeps into the mind with a sinister realization that we are just puppets of a terrorist justice, in which a blast or a masked man with gun may end your life and dreams abruptly. Mr. Prime minister, you seemed a bit soft when you were addressing us while Mumbai was being held at gunpoint. India is now a nation bruised, time and again. My brothers and sisters who lost their precious life in 26/11, whether you are from India or abroad, this is an incomplete elegy, clumsily written by an apologetic Indian. We will mourn and express our anger and anguish for one or two weeks, then go on with our business as usual – until the next one comes.

Leading a dog's life is not so bad

2008-10-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

peace of mind!

2008-10-10T05:47:00.000-07:00

When….

Sensex crashes
Hartal shows its teeth
Traffic jam hits you when you are damn busy
Your neighbor buys a new car
Your partner looks younger than you

…you need

Peace of mind

2008-10-08T09:50:00.000-07:00

2008-10-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

Sorry

2008-07-01T01:53:00.000-07:00

I am sorry timid cows, you are so beautiful, so natural. Even thinking about slaughtering you is a sin. You add beauty to any home. Looking at your sensitive eyes, I just cant believe that I..Oh, I am such a butcher!! But, I just cant stop eating you..

Sorry pigs, others see you as nasty. But not me cutie.I just see your hot 'inner self' , served in a plate .. I just cant stop eating you..

And, my beloved noicy chickens. How much I love you. You are angels to the hungry stomach. But I just can't...

Hartal shows the teeth in Gods own land

2008-02-19T03:16:00.000-08:00

2008- feb-19. Another hartal. This time against the price rise. does the reason seems teneble?So what should people in Gods own country do? Spend this hartal day flirting with idle thoughts in retrospect? We can just cocoon around our tv set and watch the india-sri-lanka odi. Dont be so acrimonious abt this Hartal. Raise your glass and say, cheers!!!

SOME LESSONS I LEARNT (IN A HARD WAY!)

2008-02-12T05:58:00.000-08:00

1) LOVE

On a rainy day, Leena came to class 8 A of St.Thomas HSS Thomapuram, I saw her and I was conquered…. Love happened like a thunder. Years passed. Jancy, Sreeja, Rosemary… Leena was replaced by other names. But love remained unchanged. (names changed to keep anonymity)

The lesson I learnt- Love never fails.

2) RELIGION

For God’s sake….don‘t ask

The lesson I learnt- Don’t say lies, go to church every Sunday

2) Headlines which hit my head.

If Sarkozy comes, Can Carla be far behind?

Perthquake! (when Indian team won the match in Perth)

An idea can change your life.

Death says ‘cut’ to Bergman

The lesson I learnt- Words can sing, dance and make a crowd go crazy

3) READING

Thanks Maria Puzo for stamping Don Corleon in my mind. Thanks to James Hadly Chase for making my adrenaline flow speedier with your thrillers... Thanks Wilber Smith, Frederick Forsyth, Agatha Christi…

No, no its not over, Norman Vincent peel, Robert H. Schullur, Nepolean Hill and that American guru.. forgot his name, any way… to all of you… Never again! Don’t try to instill your ‘’think positive, conquer world’’ stuff again... It’s a negative world.

The lesson I learnt- Keep your child away from books, they may ruin them

4) AMBITION

Well, I wanted to become…1) An Inspector (when I saw those cop films in my boyhood days, where he is the supernatural who can not be shot by a bullet, who gets the final victory. Then, after I came to know that that’s reel life, after I saw the super heroes beaten up by agitating students and ‘chota’ politicians … I shed my ambition)

2) A doctor,, ( But, after taking up science as my optional in pre-degree , the lab taught me what a feeble being I am)

3) A teacher (for students sake, I voluntarily discarded that ambition)

4) A journalist… (and the story goes on…)

The lesson I learnt- The root cause of your sadness is ambition

5) RAIN

Rain is often seen associated with romance. But primarily it deals with your memory power.

The lesson I learnt- Don’t forget your umbrellas

6) Pain, frustration

Will the world goes to dogs? Eh... take it easy man…

The lesson I learnt- Smoking is injurious to health

I have a dream

2008-02-05T03:58:00.000-08:00

A 'spirit'ual way

2008-01-21T21:30:00.000-08:00

Mallu has a 'spirit'ual way of celebrating festivals. Be it Onam, Christmas, Vishu or even hartals, he resorts to those bottled dreams to colour those moments. Thats why Kerala set record in the sale of liquor. Seems unbreakable. Cheers!

Want more evidence for back up evolution theory?

2008-01-21T21:24:00.000-08:00

When it burns..

2008-01-21T21:21:00.000-08:00

passion. When it goes and crosses the boundaries, it makes us to watch ourselves like another person, it makes us seperated. We get divided, spiritually. And one half of us looks into the other, to know what it is up to.

If exam comes, Will the results be far behind?

2008-01-21T21:19:00.000-08:00

North Kerala has its own rich tradition.

2008-01-21T04:07:00.000-08:00

keep it short

2007-11-06T03:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, nature wants to tell you that you are not the only one alone.

Thinking of some devious means?

2007-10-21T04:08:00.000-07:00

Ideas can be used for any means.You can create or destroy.The choice is yours.

How far is your target?

2007-10-21T03:56:00.000-07:00

Have you been waiting for all these years

2007-10-21T03:34:00.000-07:00

Rain, summer, winter...Time has passed. And, the things which you have been waiting for never came.Still, you are waiting.....

Prepare to face the worst!

2007-10-20T05:09:00.000-07:00

Romance may become dangerous, when reality enters with its sharp truths

2007-10-20T04:39:00.000-07:00

dont know when love hits

2007-10-20T04:15:00.000-07:00

It takes its form gradually, but without anyone's knowing.

Just respect their existence.

2007-10-20T04:08:00.001-07:00

Every creature has a place in this world.

Size doesn't matter

2007-10-20T03:58:00.000-07:00

Just open your mind.Give vent to that fuming anger inside you.

Saif, Kareena: love declared

2007-10-18T01:28:00.000-07:00

Romance will always be there. Only objects through which it can be expressed change.For example, Saif Ali Khan, since his break-up with girlfriend Roza has been linked to Bipasha Basu and Dia Mirza. The case of Kareena Kapoor is also not different. She unceremoniously dumped her lover(now, former) Shahid Kapoor. Finally,at Manish Malhotra's fashion show for the Lakme Fashion Week, Saif admitted to his relationship with Kareena

Rani finds her prince?

2007-10-18T00:04:00.000-07:00

Is this also a rumour? or is it truth?Rani is going to tie the knot with- Aditya Chopra.

When the director becomes a 'mrigam'

2007-10-17T01:29:00.001-07:00

When the director becomes a 'mrigam'
Padmapriya, the south indian actress, was reportedly slapped by director Swami in the sets of the film 'Mrigam'(means animal). For not getting the right acting expressions! If art can be learnt by slapping and nagging, many a genious would have been there in this boring world.

Gossip has its own power

2007-10-17T00:44:00.000-07:00

At last, some happy news for Gossip mongers.A new study conducted by Max-Planck Institute for Evolutionary Biology shows that gossip influences the opinions, and says that its more powerful than truth itself.The grapewine is more powerful! there are so many crazy studies like this.and, they just flaunt it as if it was the greatest one.

Vodafone, where is that little master?

2007-10-12T04:08:00.001-07:00

An advance Birthday present for Doris Lessing

2007-10-12T00:46:00.000-07:00

Nobel Prize for Literature has been awarded to British writer Doris Lessing, 87. On 22 October, Doris Lessing will celebrate her 88th birthday.But, she has already received her birthday present with this Nobel Prize.
Over five decades she has written about feminism, politics, her upbringing in Africa, and even some science fiction. The Nobel Prize jury describes her as "that epicist of the female experience, who with scepticism, fire and visionary power has subjected a divided civilisation to scrutiny".
The Golden Notebook is widely regarded as the best-known of Doris Lessing's books. Following its publication in 1962 she was embraced by the feminist movement, although she herself always rejected the feminist label. Other themes in her books are politics, protests against discrimination and corruption, and terrorism in Africa.

Roads in Kerala wait for a minister!

2007-10-11T22:05:00.000-07:00

Weep not, Marian..

2007-10-11T02:59:00.000-07:00

Success, failure, records, breaking records...

Really, We were fed up with the run-of-the-mill stories from the sports world.Suddenly, you have just added a meloncholy shock to that boredom, by admitting that you erred, used dopes and by giving back your medals.

Many times, we had waited with our baited breath to witness your spectacular performance.You provided us some nail-biting moments.

Now, you have wrapped up the entire incident.Let there be no scion to you..You are left out in the cold.But the ending note was a tragic one.of cource, its a painful way to split up with sports.

Happily married?

2007-10-09T00:37:00.001-07:00

Broken-hearted? A recent study conducted in London reveals that a strained relatioship can literally cause harm to your heart.That means, a bad marriage gives you a badheart.So is a bad relationship.Homelife can be a reason for the heartache.

No peace for the princess!

2007-10-05T05:00:00.000-07:00

The so called sleuths in Britain are at it again.They are going to conduct a final investigation into the cause of diana's death.They hope that it will put an end to all the speculations and doubts abt her death.Diana, hope you can rest in peace after this investigation.

The end

2007-10-05T04:24:00.000-07:00

Death comes uninvited, sometimes in strange situations.Professor M.N.Vijayan, the left ideologist,while adressing a press conference, collapsed, and died in full media glare.A glorious way to make an exit from this world, holding ones principles tight, like a rose falls. Au revoir, Vijayan mash, but your memories will stay on...

When memories play hide n seek

2007-10-05T03:43:00.000-07:00

Dont heave a sigh, saying ' those were the days'
because, past is past
but, memories, those cascading memories
sweet, so sweet...

Its...It was, love

2007-10-05T03:06:00.000-07:00

I remember what you wrote in my notebook
I remember your talkative glance
you were my ambition
my burning sensation
dont say i am nostalgic abt you memories
still, i remember...
You fled..
fled beyond the boundaries and...